The Story of Hermione
by Cazzie
Summary: First there was the official *cough* interview with Harry Potter, now we have the official *cough* interview with Hermione Granger.


1 The Story of Hermione Granger  
  
Author's Notes:  
  
Well, here it is. By popular demand (well, one person) I have written the sequel to 'The Story of Harry', with Hermione. As usual I don't own any of the characters in Harry Potter, however I do own the Narrator. Hehe, poor Narrator!!  
  
You don't have to have read 'The Story of Harry', but please read it anyway!!  
  
And James, no threats about flying bottles this time, but you better be nice or I may have to throw Polos at you.  
  
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Everyone Please Review!!!  
  
  
  
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Narrator: Hermione Granger was just another normal girl. Granted she did have a very strange name, but other than that there was nothing special about her. That is, until she found out that she was a witch.  
  
Audience: A Witch?  
  
Narrator: No, not a Witch, a witch. There's a difference.  
  
Audience: Oh  
  
Narrator: Now, we have Miss Granger with us today.  
  
(Cut to Hermione sitting in a chair with a black bag being pulled off her head.)  
  
Narrator: Welcome Hermione.  
  
Hermione: Who are you?  
  
Narrator: I am a British person  
  
Hermione: Whoopee(!) So am I.  
  
Narrator: Yes, anyway. We are here to examine your life as a Muggle.  
  
Hermione: Why?  
  
Narrator: Because we want to. Because we want to.  
  
Hermione: If you start singing I will have to kill you.  
  
Narrator: Whatever. So let's talk about your life. First off, what are your parents' names?  
  
Hermione: Well, I actually don't know  
  
Narrator: Guess.  
  
Hermione: Okay, um, Mary? Alissandra? Fredericka?  
  
Narrator: And where do you think your name came from? It's very strange that the only Muggleborn of your trio has the stupidest name.  
  
Hermione: Hey! My name is not stupid!  
  
Narrator: But you know what I mean. Wouldn't it make more sense for you to have a normal name because you were born into a normal family, and the two boys to have more wizardy names because they were born into wizard families?  
  
Hermione: Who wants to be normal? Besides, other people have the same name as me. That decorator guy with the scary hair, his daughter's called Hermione.  
  
Narrator: Don't talk about him. He gives me nightmares!  
  
Hermione: Hey look over there! It's Lawrence Llewellyn-Bowen!!!  
  
Narrator: Where? Where? Keep him away from me! Oh very funny Hermione! So, anyway, did anything interesting happen in your childhood?  
  
Hermione: No, it was pretty normal. Oh, but there was this one time at band camp..  
  
Narrator: Stop right there! Do you want to be sued for plagiarism? I just had lawyers set upon me by J.K Rowling! They could still be lurking.  
  
(Narrator looks around nervously)  
  
Hermione: Lurking?  
  
Narrator: Yeah, they lurk. And when they're near I get a cold chill all over my body.  
  
Hermione: Sounds like Dementors.  
  
Narrator: What are they?  
  
Hermione: Soul-sucking fiends driven by greed who suck the happiness out of people and force them to relive terrible moments in their lives  
  
Narrator: Yeah, that's lawyers all right.  
  
(Lawyers reading this start think of ways to sue Cazzie for libel.)  
  
Hermione: So, why did J.K. Rowling set them upon you?  
  
Narrator: She didn't like my interview with Harry. She's insane, came in shouting that she wouldn't let me do this to her baby!!  
  
Hermione: So, er, has she been here today?  
  
Narrator: No, I haven't seen her for a while.  
  
Hermione: Oh. Guess she doesn't love me, as much as Harry.  
  
(Hermione starts crying.)  
  
Hermione: It's been like that all my life! (Sob) Nobody loves me. It all started when I was born . . .  
  
(2 hours go by)  
  
Hermione: (Sob.) And then there were my cousins . . .  
  
(Another 2 hours go by)  
  
Hermione: And then I went to Hogwarts, (sob) and nobody wanted me be my friend!  
  
(Narrator suddenly wakes up)  
  
Narrator: Leave the fish alone!  
  
Hermione: Huh? Oh, sorry. I seem to have rambled on. Well, at least you now know all about my life as a Muggle.  
  
Narrator: Actually I fell asleep. So, let's move on.  
  
Hermione: Oh, great(!)  
  
Narrator: One thing that fascinates many witches and wizards about the Muggle world is computers.  
  
Hermione: Well, what would you like to know? I could tell you all about the Hard Drive, the software, the Internet etc. Would you like me to explain how a computer works?  
  
Narrator: Well actually, I was just going to say that if you type your name in Microsoft Word, the spellchecker tries to change it to Hormone.  
  
(Narrator giggles childishly)  
  
Hermione: How interesting. I really needed to know that.  
  
Narrator: I know you did. Now what else can we talk about? I see we haven't had any flashbacks yet. Is your life not as interesting as Harry's?  
  
Hermione: Obviously not. Why don't we look at your life instead?  
  
(Cut to a young narrator paddling naked in an inflatable pool)  
  
Young narrator: Mummy! Look at me! I'm a big boy now!  
  
(Cut to Narrator)  
  
Narrator: Oh dear God no!!! Where did you get that?  
  
Hermione: I have my sources. Ve have vays of making zem talk.  
  
Narrator: You went to see my mother didn't you?  
  
Hermione: Yeah. And I have more!  
  
Narrator: Well, thanks for coming Miss Granger, we'll . . .  
  
Hermione: Not so fast.  
  
(Hermione holds up a picture of the young narrator in a tutu)  
  
Hermione: You took ballet, didn't you?  
  
Narrator: It's a very manly sport.  
  
Hermione: And you insisted on wearing a tutu, because you were jealous that the girls got to wear them and you didn't.  
  
Narrator: I'm going to have to have words with my mother.  
  
Hermione: And you were also in the production of Sleeping Beauty, weren't you? You played Sleeping Beauty.  
  
Narrator: Yes! All right! I admit it! I was a tutu wearing, Sleeping Beauty playing ballerina!! Are you happy now?  
  
Hermione: Oh no. Not yet.  
  
(Cut to clip of young narrator on his first day of school)  
  
Young Narrator: Wahh! Mummy, I don't wanna go!  
  
Narrator's Mother: Well, you have to. And I'm afraid you can't take your doll with you. Give her to me.  
  
Young Narrator: No! You can't have Polly!  
  
Narrator's Mother: Come on Narrator, give Polly to me.  
  
(Cut back to Narrator sitting with his head in his hands.)  
  
Narrator: Why did my mother have to call me Narrator? It's like she wanted me to land with this stupid job, interviewing little brats who should be squashed like bugs. I'm telling you, if I get my way you'll all be dead! All of you! You, that twerp Harry and your little friend too!  
  
(Narrator cackles)  
  
Hermione: Are you quite insane?  
  
Narrator: What do you think? My mother named me Narrator, I had a doll called Polly, I danced in a tutu for crying out loud!!! And as if all that wasn't bad enough, I then get lawyers set upon me! Lawyers!! That's enough to drive anyone insane!!  
  
Hermione: Right, so I think I'll just be heading back now.  
  
Narrator: Yes! You do that! Soon you will pay! Soon the day of reckoning will be at hand and you will all die! ALL WILL DIE!!  
  
(Hermione backs away slowly then runs out)  
  
(Cut to Hermione back with Harry and Ron)  
  
Ron: Finally I appear! I was beginning to think the author forgot I existed.  
  
Harry: So, how did your interview go?  
  
Hermione: It was ok. I think I may have pushed him over the edge and caused him to have a psychotic breakdown, but other than that, nothing special.  
  
Ron: Does he want to interview me now?  
  
Hermione: Why would he want to do that?  
  
Ron: I could tell him all about my childhood as a wizard.  
  
Hermione: Well, even if he cared, he's in no state to interview anyone right now. As I was leaving I think I saw him running from his pencil. Apparently it was part of an evil conspiracy to dye his hair pink.  
  
Ron: Oh.  
  
Hermione: I suppose you could go and ask him. As long as he doesn't attack you with a kitchen knife.  
  
Ron: Maybe I will.  
  
Harry: You know, this seems wrong. How did you get all that stuff about the narrator before you knew he was going to interview you? And how did I know that's where you were? And why was I so amicable about it when they'd kidnapped both of us using black bags in order to get us there?  
  
Hermione: Ah, I can explain it all, you see . . .  
  
(Roll end credits)  
  
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A/N: If any of you didn't understand the bit about Lawrence Llewelyn-Bowen I'll explain. He is a flamboyant decorator on a program where neighbours destroy, sorry, decorate each other's houses. And he has very scary hair. Despite all this he is not actually gay and has a wife and two daughters, one of whom is named Hermione.  
  
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Please Review!! (This means you) 


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